Me getting in a kiss with Miss Việt Nam 2006
So after bowls of Phở Gà, we get Chè Sài Gòn near our digs. I'm indulging in a bowl of Chè Thâp Cam and all of a sudden, a seemingly six-foot (actually 5'10 1/2") woman walks up with another seemingly six-foot VIệtnamese man, to have some chè themselves. Ben, the lucky bastard, has a really good view of their table and after much gandering, he realizes that the tall, very attractive Việtnamese woman is actually Mai Phương Thúy, better known as Miss Việt Nam 2006.
I be like Pacman, HUMMA HUMMA.
In a very plausible attempt to hook up with her, I have authored the following love letter.
Dear Mai Phương Thúy,
My name is Thông. I am a Việtnamese American from the Bay Area so that already makes me pretty darn awesome. I ran the mile on my middle school track team and made the top ten of most pull-ups in my 8th grade P.E. class. I got popular in high school for being a really good artist, working at Jamba Juice on Bancroft, and being perhaps the only obnoxious Asian American that was actually good at it. I also got through UC Berkeley with an above 3.0 GPA, mind you, without ever studying for my classes. Thank you Ethnic Studies.
Back in the states, I never got my driver's license but that shouldn't worry you too much - I ride a bicycle there and I'm really good at asking friends for rides, and trust me, you will always be able to get to where you need to go. I can usually find jobs where I'll make enough money for a month's bus fare. You can have my bus fare money. I'll walk because I have really strong calves. I really do.
You know, I'm not the best of cooks but if you can dig fried eggs with lạp xưởng or pasta with tomato sauce, consider yourself adequately nourished. Speaking of the senses, people have described my scent as "fresh" since I am an avid user of aloe vera lotion. Since I like to write poetry, especially sonnets since I am a fan of compassion and a woman's needs, I have been told I am good with words, and since I am good with words, well, I am a really great kisser, seriously. Since I am a great kisser, well, let's simply say, people confuse my speech with song.
Mind you, unfortunately I am not easy on the eyes. I am a 1600 SAT on the eyes. Girls who listen to Green Day and play Magic The Gathering only get me, which I'm fine with, I reckon. Only aforementioned girls would use the verb "reckon"...and masturbate to unicorn paintings, but I'm a fan of compassion and most especially, a woman's needs. And I understand women desire tall, dark and handsome men to procreate with and have more tall, dark and beautiful people. But this is the fact of the public school science I studied: two positives makes a negative and in a dominant and recessive genetic pairing, dominant prevails, so beautiful (you) and ugly (me) make beautiful babies.
Makes beautiful us.
Never mind the fact that I need a step-stool to kiss you. Love has never been about how high we are, but how high we feel.
But the most important thing of all: I get you. I understand all that fame, the constant praise and adoration, that money electronically transfered into your savings account, the all-expenses paid trips to Dubai and Morocco, the little kids cuddling with you because they honor you - it's all utterly meaningless. It makes you feel empty, alone. But I can be those helping hands to fulfill your void. I'm here for you, really. You have the heart to share, I have the heart to be there. And listen. I can listen. Most importantly, I want to listen.
In life, you gotta seize the opportunities. You only have one chance to live.
Choose life.
With love and poetry,
Thông
P.S. Ong Duong Xuan Nam is our landlord. He is the organizer of Miss Việt Nam activities and we play ping-pong with him occasionally. No lie.
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